By: Gabrielle
A note:
♦ This writing is intended to promote DISCUSSION about the term sub-frenzy. It is not intended to offend, antagonize, or anger anyone. Please feel free to comment, but please do so in a civilized manner. Insults, jabs, or any other abuse will be reported and/or deleted.
♦ This writing applies to all Tops and bottoms, regardless of gender. It is written using the male/female dynamic as that is the one I am most familiar with.
One website defines sub-frenzy as:
The overwhelming need to experience submission. The submissive will do anything to achieve it, no matter how stupid or un-safe an environment they put themselves in. – safesubcenter.blogspot.com
As I considered writing about sub-frenzy, so many questions came to mind.
Why is it that only subs are said to frenzy, most specifically ones of the female persuasion?
Outside of play, it’s easy to see how a sub can put herself in emotional and physical harm’s way in an attempt to find Mr. Right Dom. A few examples that I mentioned in a previous writing are:
Giving submission to any and every Dom in an attempt to “prove” submissiveness;
Changing your personality or ideals of submission to make yourself more attractive to a potential Dom;
Agreeing to meet an on-line Dom in person (for the first time) in a private setting versus a public setting and not informing anyone of your pending meeting with a Dom;
Falling “in love” with a new Dom within a few days of meeting/talking to them and accepting a collar from him;
Immediately believing everything a Dom tells you.
These poor choices can lead to emotional abuse, physical abuse, rape, or even murder. Yes, there are some very dangerous people out there.
These same dangers are also present in the vanilla world. While BDSM can cause this to be exacerbated, it is hardly limited to D/s. Let’s make a few minor changes to the wording of the examples:
Giving in to someone else’s will in an attempt to make yourself more appealing to them;
Changing your personality or ideals to make yourself more attractive to someone;
Agreeing to meet an online interest in person (for the first time) in a private setting versus a public setting and not informing anyone of your pending meeting;
Falling “in love” with someone within a few days of meeting/talking to them and quickly moving in with or marrying them;
Immediately believing everything a new love interest tells you.
The implications aren’t so different. Neither are the outcomes; emotional abuse, physical abuse, rape or even murder. Predators are everywhere, kinky or not.
There are also dangers for which Doms need to be on the alert. A missed strike in a scene or play session can result in charges of assault and battery or domestic violence. Bondage or caging can result in charges of holding her hostage or rape if sex occurs while she is bound. Bondage, on the rare occasion, can lead to death so there’s a murder or an involuntary manslaughter charge. Knife play can lead to a charge of assault with a deadly weapon or attempted murder. Then there are the obvious charge(s) that could result from her convincing the Dom to go through with her rape fantasy. These are simply a few of the many that can be brought upon a Dom by a sub who has second thoughts, has doubts, is upset over her punishment, or is simply vindictive. Let us face it; while there are predators everywhere, there is also no shortage of vindictive women.
Why aren’t new Doms/Tops considered in frenzy?
Part of the lack of a term suggesting frenzy on the part of a Dom is the notion that Doms are supposed to be in control. Frenzy by definition is a loss of control. It is understood that, in a D/s relationship, this authority is part of a dominant’s role.
There is a miniscule number of people that will even acknowledge the existence of a frenzied state on the part of Doms/Tops. These people tend to be the more experienced players in the scene (15+ years) who have seen their fair share of “crazed newbies”. The overwhelming majority of others will not attest to this being the case. In my short time in the lifestyle, I have seen a number of Tops/Doms display careless behavior when it comes to play.
Let’s look at an example:
A new Top and a new bottom decide they want to do a scene together. They have never met nor played with one another. When the scene starts, the Top binds the bottom’s wrists and ankles to the cross. Throughout the course of the scene, he blindfolds and gags her; in essence completely taking away her ability to call or signal a safe word. This is not something that had been negotiated and was done on a whim by the Top. Luckily, this happened in a public setting with on-lookers who were able to watch the scene and step in to call the scene when needed.
Ask yourself: Does this demonstrate forethought and good decision-making on the part of the Top? Or does it demonstrate careless and thoughtless behavior? What might have been the outcome had this occurred in a private setting with no on-lookers?
Why does this double standard exist?
As previously touched on, in a D/s relationship, it is understood that the Dom is in control. However, when it comes to a scene where it is strictly about play, isn't it really the bottom that holds the control rather than the Top? This can lead to a schematic discussion on Tops versus Doms. Therefore, for the sake of this writing, we are going to look at this from a semantics standpoint and continue with the phrases Top frenzy and bottom frenzy.
For the moment, let’s discuss this issue from the play-only perspective. A new male Top without a "dance partner" struggles to gain experience and references. The “why” is understandable. Personally, as a new bottom, I don’t want to play with a Top that is new to the lifestyle. I do not want to put my safety in the hands of someone who does not fully understand the possible outcome of his actions. It most likely would not turn out well. For this and many other reasons, there is a tradition of the inexperienced playing with the experienced.
While there is typically an over-abundance of female submissives, there is usually somewhat of a shortage of bottoms. This causes the male Top to struggle much harder to find partners. Unless he is taken in by a mentor or playing with a more experienced bottom, a new Top will find it quite difficult to play on a regular basis. Therefore, wouldn't it make more sense that the new Top experiences more frenzy than a new bottom? Granted, the bottom has more "dance-partners" to choose from, but would it not be this scarcity that causes the Top to frenzy? Desperate for play, it seems the Top would jump at any chance that is presented.
There is no doubt that a new bottom lacking knowledge in play safety can be detrimental. It’s likely she will not know when she is being struck in an unsafe manner, not be aware of her limits, or know how far she can go before needing to call a safe-word. She may not even have a safe-word. However, it seems that an inexperienced Top would be much more dangerous. With a plethora of toys at his disposal, there is a wide range of injuries that could be unwittingly inflicted. He likely wouldn’t know:
Where not to strike with a flogger or cane;
How much room he needs to crack a whip or even where/how to aim;
Where/how electrical devices should and should not be used;
The appropriate parts of the body to apply bondage (specifically rope).
This lack of knowledge can lead to a wide range of injuries including damaged kidneys, spinal injuries, broken bones, asphyxiation, excessive blood loss due to severe lacerations, electrocution, and nerve damage; just to name a few.
When a submissive that is new to the lifestyle immerses herself into that lifestyle, why is she said to be in frenzy?
It is normal for someone to be excited about something new, especially when that person has been denied that thing for so long. It is common to want to experience all that you can. Why is this wrong or frowned upon? Why is that drive for experience automatically considered unsafe when the person is making smart and safe choices? I, personally, have witnessed more veteran members of the community immerse themselves in the lifestyle. This shouldn't be unexpected. It is, after all, a lifestyle... a way of life.
The habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group – dictionary.com
Classifying this immersion as frenzy and attributing it solely to someone who is new to the lifestyle is simply inaccurate.
How is kink any different than, say, bungee jumping from this standpoint? As with everything in life, there are going to be those who make intelligent decisions about what they are doing and those who do not. There are going to be those who take precautions before they jump, and then there are going to be those who jump off a building without making sure the cord elasticity is properly calculated or that the cord is properly connected to the jump platform.
So is it fair to have a blanket term that lumps everyone in the same category? Is it right to imply that every submissive female is an idiot? No, it’s a stereotype. What I hold issue with here is the word frenzy. It implies carelessness, impulsiveness, and uncontrolled behavior. I am not denying that there are those who do frenzy. But I have to wonder if that isn't the minority.
The term sub-frenzy also creates a double standard which is equivalent to:
A man with multiple partners is a stud, but a woman with multiple partners is a tramp.
Whether or not it is true, use of this term insinuates that what is good for the gander is not necessarily good for the goose. This is done by creating the idea that it is ok for a Top to play as much and as often as he would like but it is not ok for a bottom to do so.
So, in closing, it is the belief of this writer that we should put an end to the use of this term. At the very least, let’s change it. Would it not be more accurate to call this state of excitement “sub-fervor” or “sub-enthusiasm”? On the other hand, let’s just take the “sub-“ out of it altogether. The excitement does apply to everyone after all, Tops and bottoms, Doms and subs. Or does it?