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The Lazy Dom’s Guide to Domming (A comedic view of what we take too seriously)
By: IsMostlyEvil aka: IsMe
The Lazy Dom's Guide Is Looking For Volunteers
I have theories I need to test before I can responsibly post them. And Other One is tired of being the crash test dummy. Therefore, I need volunteers to help me trial run these theories.Interested parties inquire within.
Alternate title: The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: How To Get Some Strange

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Rules and Punishment
Being a Dom is hard work. You have to think up rules and remember them. You have to make decisions. You have to beat your sub when they don’t do what they are supposed to. You have to get blowjobs and give the buttsex. Remind them to make the sammiches. You have to be an expert on all things Domly on the internet, post pictures of yourself wearing a suit, and spam everyone who posts in the Novice and Newbie introduction thread. And, if that weren’t enough, you have to pretend be responsible and actually listen to what the subby person(s) in your life have to say. I tell you, it’s a tough and thankless job.
But fear not my Domly brethren, I’m here to make your life easier.
Today I’m just going to discuss rules and punishment. Because, lazy.
Rules:One of the hardest things about being Domly and Shit is coming up with rules and then remembering them all. Over the years I’ve learned a trick or two that can help you be more efficient and cut down on your work load.
Whenever you are negotiating with a new sub, ask them what rules they would like to see in the dynamic. When they hand you the list, add “The submissive is required to immediately inform the Dominant of any and all transgressions” to the top.
Ta-da! You’re done! Now you just have to sit back and wait for them to tattle on themselves.
Punishment:Now, whenever they comes to you with that look in their eye that tells you they are about to tattle on themselves, put on your best Domly Grr Face™ and say, “I’m very disappointed in you.” Then tell them to drop their pants and bend over the edge of the couch. Take out your Nerf Gun and start firing. They get punished, you get target practice. And, you never have to leave your Comfy Domly Chair!
In our next installment we will discuss how to have Domly sex without breaking a sweat and the secret to getting her to find you new subs.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: How To Be A Sex God Without Working Up A Sweat
For those of you who wish to be Domly, but not expend a great amount of effort in the process, I’m here to help. In our previous installment we discussed an easy way to create rules, low stress enforcement, and a punishment option that allowed you to never leave your Comfy Dommy Chair™. Today we are going to discuss how to be a sex god without working up a sweat.
Sweatless Sex:The key to lazy Domming is to use your power and influence in order to make her do all the work, while still coming off as the guy in charge. Now a mistake a lot of guys make when they first get into this is thinking they have to be sexual gods. When in reality, that couldn’t be further from the truth. You only have to convince her that you’re a sexual god; by taking credit for all the things she does in bed.
Step 1. Put on your Domliest Domly Grr Face™.
Step 2. Recline the Comfy Dommy Chair™.
Step 3. Tell her to get on top of you and show you how a good little slut likes to be fucked.
Step 4. Tell her she isn’t allowed to cum. Just keep saying it over and over while she bounces up and down on top of you. Throw in a “bitch” or “whore” or “slut” every now and again for maximum effect. If you really want to come off as knowing what you’re doing say, “I know you can handle more than that”, and watch her throw it into overdrive.
Step 5. At some point, when you know she’s ready to explode (as a bonus, you don’t even have to pay that much attention, you’ll know because she’ll be screaming “pleasepleasepleaseplease”), say “Cum for me. Now!” Growling helps.
Step 6. Cum.
You’re welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide to Domming: Building A Better Harem
Fellow lazy Doms,
We’ve discussed Rules and Punishment and How to make her think you are a sex god, without breaking a sweat, now it’s time we expanded our stable of submissives to spread the Domminess around a bit. Because,, as we all know, more subs = better Dom.
Today I give you…
Building a better harem, by making her do it for you:
I know how hard it is to convince women that you are the Domliest of all Domly ones. With all the Booming Domly Voice™, Domly Grr Faces™, and having to write your own emails and shit; it’s a daunting prospect to even begin to think about starting that process over with someone new. So why even bother going through all of that once you’ve managed to convince one?
Answer: Don’t.
Here’s what you do. Just explain to your submissive that you can’t be truly happy without at least 3 mouths on your penis at the same time. Explain how jealous all the other Domly ones would be at the local dungeon if you guys walked in with a gaggle of subs. Tell her that you’re poly and this is what you need in your life and watch her go to work spamming random women with the wonders of Your Domminess.
Now, instead of you having to having to come up with charming/witty/Domly things to say to strange women on the internet, all she has to do is say, “You’re pretty” and the target girls will be giggle-blushing their way to your cock in no time. Have her set up everything from initial messages to the first meet. The other subby women will be so impressed with your submissives enthusiasm to have them as part of your harem, they’ll never notice that you haven’t said as much as a “howdy doody” this entire time.
Plus, because she picked the girls, you can totally cry foul when she inevitably get’s jealous.
You’re welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Being Psychic
I’d imagine you’ve read all these posts by submissives talking about how their Domly one is totally psychic. And I’d imagine you’ve been wondering how you can be psychic too. Cause if that’s what the subby ones want, that’s what you gotta do, right?
Well, the “good Doms” would tell you that the key is to listen to her, engage her in open and honest communication, utilize a little intuition, and to pay very close attention to her actions and reactions. The “good Doms” put a lot of effort into being psychic. They’d probably go on and on about the personal rewards inherent in knowing your submissive inside and out, and the deep and meaningful bond that forms between you. Which, as we all know, is completely the opposite of what this particular guide is all about.
Deep and meaningful is nice; blowjobs rock. Which would you rather spend your time on?
Fear not my lazy blowjob loving brethren, I’m here to teach you everything you need to know in order to appear psychic, without all that “getting to know your sub” bullshit. Which leads to more blowjobs and more time to prepare for your next blowjob.
Now, the first thing you need to know is this: No one is psychic. So don’t get all caught up in the whole, “pretending to be psychic is unethical” crap. Everyone is faking it. After that it’s just a matter of having a decent poker-face and learning two words. See if you can guess from the following example what those two words are…
Example:Subby Type: Sir, I’ve been wanting to try X
You: I know.
Subby Type: Really? Because I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I’ve been worried about bringing it up.
You: I know.
Subby Type: It’s kinda scary and I’m a little afraid of what you’ll think of me after.
You: I know.
Subby Type: You’re the best Sir ever! May I please give you a blowjob?
You: I know I am. And yes you may.
Tada! You now get credit for being psychic and retroactively knowing about something they’ve been thinking about for months without all the effort involved in being an active part of their life. Plus, blowjob!
You’re welcome

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Hand Signals
You know what wears me out as a Dominant?
TalkingAll that saying stuff, giving orders, and communicating my wants is just fucking exhausting. I know there are others out there who wish to convey their wishes to their adoring submissives without the stress and strain of actually speaking. Thus saving their voice for more Domly ventures, such as ordering donuts from Krispy Cream.
Fear not my fellow Lazy Doms, I have the solution well in hand. Literally.
Hand SignalsNow, this does take a little doing on your part, but the upfront effort is well worth it when you realize you can get her to do just about anything just by waving your hand. Plus, if you do it right, it’s fucking hilarious to boot. It’s not really all that hard, it just requires a bit of consistency on your part in the beginning.
Step 1. Decide on the hand signals you wish to use. I prefer outrageous and silly. Currently, I have Other One fully trained to respond to wild arm flailing in the general direction of the bedroom to mean, “Go bend over the bed, I’m going to fuck your ass”
Step 2. Utilize the hand signal every time you make the demand/request.
Step 3. Stop verbalizing the demand/request.
Step 4. Giggle.
Step 5. Repeat this process for any and all regular requests/demands you might have.
Bonus Step 6. Randomly make the hand signal in a public place and watch their eyes go wide when they realize what you’ve done.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Orgasm Control
Let’s face it, orgasm control is like one of the hottest things you can do. Deciding if and when your subby type can cum is totally the height of Domliness. However, as the one controlling orgasms, there is a certain amount of work and forethought that goes into it. Which, as we all know, is exactly what I’m trying to help you all get around.
So, without further ado, I present: Orgasm Control for the Lazy Dom
Step 1. Buy an iPod.
Step 2. Record the following phrases.
Harder!Faster!Slower!Softer!Bitch!Whore!Slut!I know you can take more!Don’t you dare cum!Don’t you fucking dare!Is that all you can take?Cum now!
Step 3. Load recordings onto iPod.
Step 4. Hand her a dildo.
Step 5. Hit “Shuffle”.
Step 6. Tell her she can stop when the iPod dies.
Step 7. Give her your best Domly Grr Face™ just before you put the blindfold over her eyes.
Step 8. Take a nap in the Comfy Dommy Chair™.
I guess you could sit and watch if you want, completely up to you.
You’re welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: One Rule To Rule Them All
There are few things more trying to the Lazy Dom than brats. Those sneaky little buffers like to keep you on your toes, when all you want is to be on your ass. Now most Domly type tend to punish the bratty types, which only leads to more brattiness. Cause those fuckers actually like spankings. I, on the other hand, have methods for dealing with brats that require little to no actual effort on my part.
"But IsME", I hear you interjecting already, "the bratty ones can't be stopped by any known lazy method. They just have too much energy."
This may be true. They are like fucking energizer bunnies with glitter cannons and a near endless supply of bubbles. Ones that have managed to loophole their way to near immu ity when it comes to things that make them giggle.
However, they are still submissives. And we can use that against them to keep our sanity and save our energy for the important things in life; like getting blowjobs. For whatever reason subby types like rules. For the life of me I don't know why, but they covet those things like... umm... something you'd covet.
To that end, I have come up with The Lazy Dom's Defence Against Brats: The One Rule To Rule Them All:
If you intentionally break a rule, that rule goes away.
Now, the beauty of this rule is that you get to decide what not only constitutes breaking a rule, but what constitutes "intentionally". Take that first rule away and watch them suddenly think extra hard about being bratty again.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Putting The Circle of Pain To Work For You
Hello fellow Lazy Dom’s. If you’ve been following along, you already know how to build a harem without actually lifting a finger. Now that we have to bevy of bountiful beauties, you might be thinking “Oh fuck! Now I have to beat and fuck them all. That’s going to be a lot of work.”
Fear not my comatose cohorts! As always, I have the solution to your problem.
I call this the Circle of Pain. Cause it sounds like something the subby types would get all excited about. It also sounds like something you put a lot of time and energy coming up with and putting into place. Trust me, it’s not.
Step 1: Put your subby types in a circle.
Step 2: Tell them to face the sub to their right.
Step 3. Hand each of them a different toy.
Step 4. Put the 12 minute version of Inagaddadavida on repeat.
Step 5. Tell the subby types to commence beating the person in front of them. When the song ends they will pass their toys to the person they were just beating and repeat until they have the toy they were originally handed back.
Step 6. Explain that group blowjobs are an exceptional form of aftercare and a team building exercise.
Step 7. Post video. Get more subs.
You’re welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Making K&P
For @IndigoDarling
As we all know, K&P is the height of kinkiness. It also allows an easy access checklist of who is the most kinky/domly/best in bed. Hitting K&P pretty much guarantees you a minimum of 3 new subs and a month’s worth of strange blowjobs. Currently, I have an inbox full of eager and willing submissives that Other One is combing through to see if they are worthy of the greatness that is me.
For those of you following this guide in order to master the ways of the Lazy Dom, I sincerely suggest hitting K&P. Bitches practically beg for your cock. No more work, all the benefits.
There are several guides telling you ways to hit K&P through certain formulas and metrics, but that shit takes time, effort, and paying attention. All things I am firmly against. Therefore, being the kind and benevolent instructor that I am, I present to you:
How To Hit K&P In 5 Easy Steps
Step 1. Woo a minor Fetleb. Don’t go for the big names, find someone who has enough active followers to get you attention, but not so many that they aren’t still desperate for male validation. The most effective tactics include invoking her daddy issues with awesome bits of grey in your beard and sending googly eye cock shots.
Step 2. Write something. It doesn’t have to be good (using these guides a proof of concept here). I strongly suggest pandering to the subby/babygirl crowd (see any post by Innermind). This will help get you additional loves once you get to K&P
Step 3. Have your D-List FetLeb love your post. Now, the trick here is proper timing. Have them comment right after you post. Then first thing the next morning, have them hit the love button. At lunch have them comment again. Then have them comment every 4 hours after to insure maximum timezone saturation.
Step 4. Have her write a counter post and link your original post. Make sure her post agrees with everything you said and makes you sound, like, waaayyyy more domly than you really are.
Step 5. Profit
You’re welcome

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Orgasm Denial
I’ve already covered orgasm control, but as someone pointed out in my topic suggestion post, orgasm denial is a completely different beast. So, in order to make sure I’ve fully covered all the orgasm bases, I bring you:
How to not make her cum in 3 easy steps.
Step 1. Tell her all her orgasms are belonging to you and that she must ask before she is allowed to cum.
Step 2. Fuck her.
Step 3. Never answer her when she asks to cum.
Throw in a few Domly Grr Faces and a well placed pffts and your indifference to her achieving anything resembling release (or even pleasure) will come off as uber domly.
You’re welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Tasks
Subby types love tasks. Don’t ask me why, makes no sense to me.
Tasks = doing shit.
Doing shit = work.
Work =/= lazy.
The very idea that someone derives joy and pleasure from someone else telling them to do stuff kinda makes my head hurt. Nonetheless, they love that shit.
So, in order to keep the subby types happy, you have to give them shit to do. Which, in theory, sounds awesome. All the shit you make them do is shit you don’t have to do. Plus, naked pictures, blowjobs, and sammiches for you. However, this means you have to come up with shit for them to do. Which means… Work for you.
We can’t have that, now can we?
Fear not fellow Lazy Doms, as always, I have the solution to your problems.
Step 1. Tell her her first task is to make a list of tasks she’d enjoy.
Step 2. Add to the list all the shit around the house you don’t want to do and “surprise sleep blowjobs, daily naked pictures, and sammiches”.
Step 3. Create a Google Calendar named Stuff To Make Sir Happy
Step 4. Have the subby type enter everything on the list into the first week of the calendar. Setting the frequency to “once a week”.
Step 5. Profit.
You’re welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Domination Through Superior Wardrobing
Know the hardest thing about being a Dom? Making sure everyone knows you’re a Dom. I mean, FetLife isn’t indexed by Google, so only people on FetLife know you clicked Dom. Even then, some people on FetLife will tell you you aren’t a real Dom for loving Nerf Guns and Fuzzy Blanket Forts of Doom.
Fuckers.
So, in order to save you the trouble of having to constantly prove that you’re a Domly Dom, I’m going to let you in on the bestest secret there is to showing off your Domliness to the world…
Wardrobe
That’s right, with a small investment in the right kind of clothing, no one will ever question your Domliness again.
Outfit 1: The Suit
Now, this can’t be just any suit. It has to be a Domly suit. These can be purchased at J.C. Penny in the men’s department for around $79.99. I mean, you could spend several hundred dollars and get a tailored suit that actually fits, but that requires work. You have to go in, get measured, go back for a fitting, then go back for a final fitting. Plus, it’s 2017 and no one knows what a suit is supposed to look like anymore anyway. Trust me, anything that even remotely resembles a suit will work.
Now it must be black. The shirt must be white. And the tie must be grey. This is like crack covered candy to the 50 Shades submissives. Wear this to any and all kinky events, first dates, and change into it whenever your submissive gets mouthy.
Outfit 2: Leather Pants
Nothing screams “I’m a Domly Dom” like leather pants. These can be purchased off Amazon.com. You don’t even have to get out of your Comfy Domly Chair to aquire this massive statement about your Dominance. Just click, order, and in 3-7 days bask in the glory that is cheap leather on bare skin.
Outfit 3. Any Kind Of Boots
You could be wearing a pink tutu and fairy wings, as long as you have boots on your Domliness is in tact.
Outfit 4. The Dress Shirt with Rolled Up Sleeves Unbuttoned to Your Navel.
Now, it helps if you have a decent upper body and chest hair, but given you’re following this guide, odds are pretty slim this is the case. To fully pull off this look you must constantly be holding a folded over belt.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: How To Make Her Cry
There are things in life that I do not understand, people wanting to cry happens to be one of them. I, as a Domly One, have had my tear ducts surgically removed in order to prevent even the slightest hint of crying. It's a relatively painless procedure, one I highly recommend. Tell them IsMostlyEvil sent you. I'll get a discount on my testicle enhancement for every referral I send them.
There are the tried and true ways to make a subby cry. Beatings, torture, over tightening the rope… But those all require effort. And as always, effort is something we want to avoid at all costs.
Fear not, my faithful followers! Per usual, I have the answer.
Method 1: Axe Body Spray.
Now I do not suggest spraying this stuff on your personal person. No amount of Domly Grr Face is going to overcome that smell. What you do is spray her aftercare blanket with the vile shit. Not just a little, douse that fucker.
Method 2. Forget her name.
You could pretend to forget her name, but I find it much more economical to just never learn it to begin with.
Method 3. Alcohol
Get her drunk. Drunk chicks always cry.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Dealing With Needy Bitches
A requested guide by @Kattman
Because apparently @MissLynn is being a “pain in the ass”
You’re welcome my friend
Even with all the upsides to being the Domly One (all the blowjobs and sammiches ever), there are decidedly a few downsides. One of those being: subby types are needy bitches. They want your time, attention, and affection. Like all the time. They always seem to be around and wanting to talk to you and shit. It’s not only taxing on the mind and body, it’s a major distraction from napping.
Fear not my Beastly Brethren! As always, I am here to guide you to the solution.
Presenting… Negative Reinforcement In 3 Easy Steps
By now you have in your arsenal 2 very powerful tools at your disposal 1) The Domly Grr Face and 2) A Nerf Gun. Using these in combination is the secret to taking the needy out of your subby.
Step 1. Wait for subby type to dare ask you for something, stand near you, or want your opinion on a problem.
Step 2. Domly Grr Face the shit out of her. I mean, really ramp that shit up.
Step 3. Shoot her in the eye with your Nerf Gun.
Now… She is going to complain. They always fucking do. Normally it’s something like, “You never do x anymore”, or “I love you and I just want to spend time with you”, or “I need to go to the hospital, you burst my eyeball”. All you have to do to retain your Domly status and make her drop immediately to her knees (mouth open of course) is chuckle and say…
“Mindfuck Complete”
You’re welcome

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Sub Training
At some point, some fucktard, somewhere decided training your sub was a good idea. I’m guessing this particular fucktard wasn’t really Domly and was just trying waaayyy too hard to sound like he was. Unfortunately, it caught on. Now subs everywhere expect to be trained. Which sounds to me like a buttload of work. Something I am thoroughly against.
Fortunately the solution to issue is easily solved.
“And what is this vital vivification?”, you might be asking yourself?
Have someone else do it
Just look at your subs inbox. There are probably a hundred guys offering to “train” her. All of them with decades of nearly verifiable experience and the highest of YouTube certified credentials. They are perfectly willing to put in the work, whilst you sit back and wait for your submissive to return to you fully trained and not at all damaged.
“But, IsMostlyEvil, with so many choices, how do I find the right person to do the job?”
Excellent question! One I shall answer with a list of qualifications for you to check off:
Qualification 1. They must be Domly enough to spell Dominant like this: DominateAnyone who can make the English language bend to their will is obviously a Master.
Qualification 2. They must refuse to speak to you.They are here to train your sub. If they are willing to speak to you in any manner, they lack the focus necessary for this task.
Qualification 3. ¾ of their photos, including their avatar, must be of their penis.Everyone knows the most Domly of Doms should be instantly recognizable by their penis. It is the most Domly of body parts.
Qualification 4. They have posted an ad advertising submissive training services.This one trumps all the others. You can instantly trust and have absolutely no reason to question the motives of anyone who posts an ad offering sub training services. You should immediately send your submissive directly to them knowing you are doing what’s best for your sub and you.
You’re welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: You Don't Like Cookies and Chocolate
You know what's hard and requires effort and thought and empathy and shit?
Understanding her wants and needs and desires.
Fuck understanding her wants, needs and desires. That shit's for those other "Doms" who like to take the time and put in the work. Here at The Lazy Dom's Guide, we have a strive for minimal effort for the maximum blowjob return.
"But IsME", I can hear you saying, "If I don't ask her what she's into, how will I know what she wants?"
The answer is so obviously obvious, I'm kinda ashamed you haven't figured it out...
You just tell her what she likes and what she doesn't.
This is not only easier on you, but it saves her the trouble of thinking about stuff and leaves her free to fantasize about your glorious manhood and how wonderful it would be for it to be filling her mouth right now. Plus, it means you get to decide how much effort you personally put into things and get everything you want, while appearing to be the most Domliest of Domly Doms ever!.
"No, you don't actually like flogging, you vastly prefer Nerf Gun Darts."
"Your favorite thing to do is topless jumping jacks."
"You love anal sex."
"You are deathly afraid of The Domly Grr Face."
"You don't like cookies and chocolate, bring me that last piece of pie."
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Walkin’ On The Sun
The “good” Dom’s will tell you that one of the keys to being a Dominant is creating desire and longing. They’ll tell you that it requires a lot of time and effort. They’ll tell you you have to do things like get to know your sub, learn what turns them on, act responsibly, take care of yourself, make decisions, and (worst of all) actually do things that make your sub desire you above all others.
I call bullshit.
I say you can create all the desire in the world just by listening to and employing the immortal words of Smash Mouth:
"So don't delay act now supplies are running out
Allow if you're still alive six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow there may be a tomorrow
But if the offer's shunned you might as well be walkin' on the sun"
That’s right, my fellow Lazy Dom’s; desire, want, and longing can be easily created simply by making your penis a slightly unavailable limited time offer. And the great thing is… You don’t really have to do much of anything. Just publicly imply how picky you are as a Dominant and how few people you actually allow to touch your glorious mansicle, and the subby girls will be lining up begging to be one of the “special few” who get the privilege of suckling at Your Greatness.
It also helps if you can trick your girl into writing almost exclusively about how much she loves giving you blowjobs..
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming: Being Old(er) Has It’s Perks
They say the formula for age appropriate mates is (your age/2)+7. After making Other One do the math for me, it seems I should only be dating people 28 years or older. Which, to me at least, seems like total bullshit. The younger they are, the more energy they should have, thus the more stuff they can do that I don’t have to.
Luckily for us Creepy Old Dudes™, the young women of today were raised by our generation. You know, the “I Don’t Give A Fuck” generation. Add in the instant/constant approval machine that called the internet that gave them all the attention we completely neglected to, the need for approval and validation for these young ladies from guys our age is at an all time high. And, if you’re like me, you’re right at the sweet spot for capitalizing on the glory that is:
Daddy Issues
“Please, O’ Great and Powerful IsMostlyEvil, explain to us how we can be lazy and still get the Hot Young Chicks™ ”, I can hear you pleading.
Luckily for you, I am a kind and benevolent God of Kink™.
Step 1. Be old(er).
35+ is a good start. 40 is the sweet spot. If you aren’t quite there yet, you can easily edit your age on your profile.
Step 2. Have Domly Speckles of Grey™ in your hair/beard.
If you don’t naturally have Domly Speckles of Grey™ in your hair/beard, buy some. If you don’t naturally have hair/beard, buy some.
Step 3. Be sparse with the approval.
Yes, I know approval is what she is looking for, but you have to make that shit work to your advantage. "Work smarter, not harder", as my grandfather used to say. If you just give it out all willie-nillie, you’re going to have to put in a lot more work. Rookie mistake my friends. She craves the approval you’re willing to provide, but if you only give it out when she’s doing the things you want her to, she will do a lot more of those things.
Plus, if she thinks you approve of what she's doing, she'll have absolutely no incentive to work even harder. Imagine what she'll be willing to do to your penis if she's always trying to be "better"?
It’s my personal policy to only give approval when she’s naked. Sure, you might have to give some approval at other times in the beginning, but dial that shit back once she’s hooked. Cause… If you only compliment her when she’s naked, only say “Good Girl” during sex, and only say “I love you” when your cock is in her mouth.
Guess what she’s going to be doing all the time?
You’re welcome.
Disclaimer: The above is exceptionally manipulative and abusive behavior. This is written as satire making fun of people who do this shit and hopefully to help those who are being treated this way to recognize it.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Building A Better Sub
The “good” Dom’s will tell you that it is your job to help your submissive become a better, more well rounded, more confident, all around more awesome person. They have all kinds of advice to offer on methods of building confidence and making your submissive feel love and wanted. I’ve read them and they all seem like a metric fuck ton of work.
So I set my Superior Domly Mind™ to the task of finding a much easier and less labor intensive method of enhancing your sub. One that will not only motivate them to be the best, but motivate them to be the best at shit you actually want them to be the best at. And… Being the Genius God of Kink that I am, I have not only managed to cut through all the bullshit those “good” Doms think you have to do, but I’ve figured out how to have her self-inflicting whiplash and building up one hell of a callus on the back of her throat; just by uttering 2 little words.
“How”, you might be asking, “can I achieve these types of results with just 2 words?”
And that would be an excellent question. The answer to which resides in exactly what those two little words are…
Do Better
No matter what she does, or how well she does it, always tell her to “do better”. Don’t tell her how to do better, just state that she needs to do better. Leave it to her imagination on what “better” means and wallow in the gluttony that is a submissive trying anything and everything to be worthy of your Domly Love and Approval™.
Sure, this might actually lower her self-confidence and self-worth, but technically she will be better at the things you care about. Which, as we all know, is what really matters in any D/s relationship.
You’re welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: First Dates
This is an encore presentation of The Lazy Dom Guide. I have no intentions of restarting the series. Unless, of course, it can possibly lead to blowjobs from random hot young womens. Basically, I'm proposing a words for blowjobs exchange here. HMU (that's what the hot young womens say, right?)
Hello fellow Domly Doms,
I know it's been a while since we last spoke. But writing stuff is hard, and well... lazy. However, I am here for you, my befuddled brethren, and I hear your cries for my wordly wisdom. Never let it be said that IsME abandoned those who so desperately needed his advice in order to function lazily on a day to day basis. On that note, let us discuss:
How To First Date
Recently I was asked "What do I do on a first date?"
The question intrigued me. So I sat and thought back to my first dates over the past 10 years. Examined the nuanced exchanges between the two of us. Dissected the subtle moments where power was exchanged in almost imperceptible ways. Deconstructed hours of conversation, flirting, and dialogue that lead to that first romantic interaction.
Then I sagely replied,
Pull her hair and unzip.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Monosyllabic Degradation
An encore encore performance. Somebody owes me a blowjob.
Degradation. It's one of the more common kinks of the subby type. Being made to feel less than does something to their brains that makes them want to prove their worth (typically with superior oral tactics) while simultaneously making them happy and sad all at once. I won't claim to understand the why of it, however I will happily give you the key to utilizing it.
Now, you could join groups here. you could read and study. you could spend hours thinking up new and exciting ways to make your lowercase letter feel a little lower. Or... You could take the easy way out and just keep reading.
I suggest the latter option personally.
Instead of all that hard work, book learning, and time wasted thinking, I have come up with the perfect one syllable utterance that, when used properly, will make your submissive feel completely useless, unimportant, and even question whether or not they even rank on your radar of important things.
Are you ready?
The magic word is...
Eh
Examples of usage:
"Sir, do you like this outfit?”
Eh
"Sir, can I make you dinner?”
Eh
"Sir, did I do good with the blowjob making?”
Eh
"Sir, do you love me?”
Eh
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: The Poly Edition
As we all know, your Domliness is directly linked to how many subs you have. Having multiple subs can be a rewarding and enlightening experience. However, it's also a metric fuck-ton of work. Balancing time and attention given, navigating emotional pitfalls, working through jealousy and envy issues, convincing them all to give you a blowjob at the same time... I can totally understand why many of you don't even bother. Bitches be crazy, am I right?
But fear not my Domly Disciples, I have the 100% foolproof solution to all your poly problems. I call it:
Mostly-Ethical-Non-MonogamyAnd here's how it works...
Step 1: Learn to be funny. Not like "haha" funny, more "ironic statement/gaslighting" funny. To pull this off your current sub, and all subsequent subs, have to get used to you saying things you don't mean in an ironic tone of voice.
Step 2: Explain that you've had a revelation about Domliness and you are no longer going to be listing any relationships on your profile. I suggest saying something along the lines of, "I've decided that I don't need external validation of my relationships. I'm removing our dynamic from our profile. I order you to do the same."
Step 3: Wait for the subby bitches who have been riding your Domjock to notice you're now "single". They will start emailing you to offer themselves up to your greatness.
Step 4: Collar them all. Immediately.
Step 5: Explain your Domly revelation to them and forbid them from adding you to their profiles, writing about you, or mentioning you in anyway. Except to all the Fake Dom douchebags who are trying to steal your bitches. She can totally tell them about you. Privately, via email.
Step 6: When any of them wants attention, but you are with another one, simply say, "Can't talk right now babe, I'm with my other sub" in your most ironic voice. Then laugh a little to make it sound like a joke. That way you have plausible deniability if you somehow do get caught, because you did technically tell them.
Bonus Step 7: Order your girls to be bisexual and want three/four/fivesomes (depending on how many subs you wrangle in). Using your ironic voice, introduce them to each other as your sub and enjoy all the mouths on your mansickle as you can fit. All the while maintaining their belief that each is your one and only.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Emotional Sadism
If there is one true truth in this crazy kinky world, it is this:Subby bitches love having their emotions fucked with. They may tell you they don't, but they are lying. They really do. Trust me. I know things.
However, if you go and read the forums relating to mind fucks, emotional sadism, and even my own writings on the subject it appears to be one of those things that requires effort. You're told that you have to get to know your sub, pay attention to their words, and worst of all... Ask questions.
Fear not my cocksure compatriots, as always, I am here to show you how to achieve maximum results with minimum effort. And, as per usual, it involves making the subby type do most of the work for you. While you get to sit back and enjoy your richly deserved mouthical meeds.
All you need are 3 words and a you know what I mean? head tilt/eyebrow raise to reduce any subby type to tears.
How it works:Whenever she says anything at all about being happy about anything at all, all you have to do is say, "Think so huh?" and give The Look. If done properly her mind will suddenly fill with every possible terrible thing you could be thinking, plus all the ones she secretly believes are true. If you do it right, she'll be crying within minutes.
Lazy Dom Next Level Shit: Once the tears start flowing, unzip and say, "Aww baby, it's ok. You're good at this."
Ta-da! Emotional Sadism made easy.
You're welcome, for me.
MasterDaddySir IsMostlyEvil

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: How To Not Violate Consent
Consent violation accusations are reaching an all time high around here. And I'm sure you newbies are all wondering what you can do to make sure you don't violate someones consent and be front page Fet-News and consequently never have your winkie touched again. Cause non-winkie touching is a bad, bad thing that I'd never wish on even my greatest of enemies.
Well... Fear not my friends, I, as always, am here to help. And in the manner in which causes you the least output of effort possible. Luckily for you, this one pretty much writes itself. The best possible way to avoid violating consent is to:
Not fucking violate their consent.I know, I know. It sounds too good to be true. A simple, one step method to save you causing someone else physical and emotional harm, as well as keeping your own reputation in tact? Believe it or not, it is really just that easy.
"But Great and Mighty One", I can here you muttering, "it can't be that easy, or everyone would already be doing it."
To that I say, "Ok fine. It might require not being a colossal douchebag, talking to your partners, and following the following guidelines when it comes to consent."
1. If they say you can touch them there, touch them there.
2. If they say don't touch them there, don't touch them there.
3. If they don't say either way, don't touch them there.
For kinky situations, replace "touch them there" with "do that" and you're golden.
Let me give you an example:
I had a date recently. Up front we discussed that sex/play was off the table. During the time leading up to the date we did talk about kinky things and how we might enjoy doing this or that, but never once was it discussed that we would. She also, at one point, stated that she'd appreciate it if I didn't abduct and kill her.
So when date time came around we went out to lunch, took a walk, and said good-bye. At no time did I try to have sex with her, nor did I try to play with her, and I even was able to restrain myself from abducting and killing her.
It was a lot easier than you'd think.
And that, my friends, is how you don't violate someone's consent the Lazy Dom way.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Learning To Be Domly Dom of Dreaminess And Delusion
You know what's hard?
Learning things.
I mean, it's time consuming. It requires effort to locate and absorb information. You have to watch videos or, heaven forbid, read things. You have to practice those newly acquired skills in order to not kill people. Then you have to continue to learn as in order to maintain a semblance of competency and proficiency. It's fucking exhausting.
I highly do not recommend it.
Because it's pointless. That's a whole lot of work that you put into something, just because some idiot on the intertubes told you that you needed to know things in order to be a good Dom. They told you that being a Dom is about being this or that. Or you saw some list of 50 things every Dominant needs to know to be successful. Or, worst of all, you bothered to read anything else I've ever written outside of these Lazy Dom Guides.
I highly do not recommend doing that last one either. It's frightening and a complete waste of time. You risk having thoughts, and we can't go having that.
Well, fear not my friends! I, as always, am here to make Domming easy and painless for you. Just follow these three easy steps and you too can be a Domly Dom of Dreaminess and Delusion.
1. All Doms only do buttsex and blowjobs.Demand that any sub you might bother to consider consent to anal/oral sex as the only means of sexual contact between you. Anyone who is against buttsex is not a real sub anyway, so it helps you weed out fake subs right off the bat. Plus, you don't have to know anything about anal sex to do anal sex. I mean, it's a hole... You stick your dick in it and pump away. How fucking hard is that?
2. Assume you are always correct.I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and guess you already do this one. However, rest assured that you are on the chosen path. The great thing is, now you can say things like: I'm the Dom, even when I'm wrong, I'm right. It's fucking awesome. This save you from having to learn things and simply continue to just know things. Much easier and very, very Domly.
3. CapitalizationThis one does require a little effort from your pinky fingers. But it's minimal, and the returns far outweigh the amount of energy spent. To really be Dominant, one must capitalize the first letter of your own . I, Me, Mine, etc. Shows the world how important you are and how much you deserve to be respected.
And that's it. That's all you have to do in order to be a Domly Dom of Dreaminess and Delusion. Which, as you already know, is the bestest of all Doms.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: MasterDaddySir Is Out Of The Office
As we all know, subby bitches want attention and validation. Like all the fucking time. They want us to notice when they are around. They want us to "acknowledge" when they'd done something. They want us to "give feedback" when they've completed a task. They want to be "valued" and "cared for". They want "affection" and "to be touched every now and again". They want and want and want.
That shit, my friends, is exhausting.
And if you don't, then they come on FetLife and complain about it. Then all the other subby bitches join in and tell your subby bitch that she can do better (yeah right). It's a vicious, unfair cycle that can lead to you not getting as many blowjobs as you are rightfully entitled to as the Mega Domly Dom of Awesomeness that you are.
Fear not my poor put upon pals!
I, as always, have the solution to your wanting woes.
You will only need three things in order to satiate your sour submissive:
1. A new email address.
Create a new email address strictly for task submission. I suggest something like, shityoudo4me@doshit.com. Forbid her from sending anything else to that email. Set up an out of office reply that reads, I'm so proud of you.
2. Go on Amazon and order one of those recordable push button sets.
The one's I've found come in sets of 4. Color coded and everything. Record yourself saying There's my girl, You're such a good girl, On your knees,slut, and I love you. Then, in that order, lick and stick them to your Comfy Dommy Chair of Doom. Now, whenever you notice she is standing in front of you, and not giving you a blowjob, you can push these buttons in series and she'll instantly be happy and on her knees.
3. A Stuffed Fuzzy Purple Unicorn
This is for those moments where she wants to cuddle. As we all know, cuddles aren't Domly. This offers her an option that isn't you and totally counts as aftercare.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Impact Play
If you're like me (hahaha), you have at least one sub. And that sub likes the kinky play stuff. You know... Beatings and shit. They get-off on being hurt. And, being the Domly Dom that you are, it's your job to make sure they are getting what they like.
Within reason, of course. I mean, let's not go crazy here. You are the Domly One and her pleasure is at your whim. Still, it's nice to throw her a bone every now and again. Keeps her from talking too much.
Here's the thing though... As many of you have figured out, that shit is hard work. Like makes you sweat and everything. And work of any type completely goes against everything I believe in. Therefore, it goes against everything you believe in too.
"How does one preform their Domly obligations whilst not actually doing any thing remotely strenuous?", you might ask.
Never fear, I, as usual, have the answer to your Dilatory Domly Dilemma...
Hit her with something really, really hard.
I suggest a crowbar or a brick (sanitize the brick with rubbing alcohol prior to hitting her with it. Remember, safety first!). Normally one good solid blow will net you a couple months of recuperation time between the begging to get beat again.
It's basic physics. Hard things hurt more. That's science. And you can't argue with science. Plus, if you hit her hard enough with something really hard, you wont have to hit her again for a while. Thus conserving vital energy for receiving blowjobs and eating sammiches.
Now, some people will tell you that you need to do "research" and "learn" stuff before hitting subs. I've heard people ramble on about knowing something about basic anatomy and like where nerve clusters and shit are. I Googled that shit for you and let me tell you right now, it's all bullshit.
Come on. You're a MAN. And as a MAN you've been hitting things your entire life. You know what the fuck you are doing. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I mean, it's not like there aren't a billion subs out there. So, replacing one or two that claim you hit too hard is as easy as making her find you one while she's in recovery.
Plus, if she can't take a hit, she's not a real sub anyway.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Faking It
The Scenario:
You are making the kinkiest of Domly nookie with someone. When you suddenly realize that you are going to be unable to gift them with the numinous nectar they so desperately desire. As you continue to cruelly concuss their various openings, it becomes crystal clear that this just ain't gonna happen. She's obviously enjoying herself. Because, why the fuck wouldn't she? However, you're starting to get bored and sex for more than 5 minutes borders on exercise. And we all know that exercise is strictly against The Lazy Dom's Domly Code Of Ethics and Morality.
Now you are left with two choices.
The obvious one:
Stop and condescendingly pat the top of their head while saying, "Good effort."
And the super secret correct one:
Fake it.
Now, we all know this predicament is no fault of your own. Obviously, the person you were pumping is so mind-blowingly inept at pleasing your Thaumaturigic Thunderstick that they don't deserve your Glorious Guru Goo anyway. To gift them thusly would only further encourage their inadequate skill-set and give them a false sense of worth and desirability.
We can't have that.
However, speaking from personal experience, option 1 leads to them only trying harder in all the worst possible of ways imaginable. You are now left to fend off a highly sex crazed person, who is preconditioned with a desire to please, and having now tasked the magic that dwells betwixt your legs, has a deep seated fear that they will never again have the honor of being near the Miraculous Mansicle they have searched for all their lives and only just now discovered.
This brings us to option two. Faking it. Which might seem like the more labor intensive option. But trust me, you've never had to face down and cum-crazed submissive who thinks they've failed at the oldest and most basic of tasks. I have. And faking it is the far easier of the solutions. Because, there isn't a Domly Grr Face in existence that will discourage that particular beast.
All you have to do is make a stupid face, shudder a bit, twitch your dick (this is important to sell it), flush the condom, and change your phone number, email, Fetlife handle, address, and more to another city.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Sub Breaking 101
Second only to blowjobs, one of the most Domly things you can do is break your sub. Not only is it all scary romantic, it's pretty much a requirement if you want to be taken seriously as a Dominant. Any submissive worth their salt will ask you for a list of submissive you've broken and will require that you break them as part of their submission to you.
Now, the traditional and most respected methods of breaking your sub are to delve deep into their psyche and torment her inner demons until she snaps, while simultaneously dehumanizing and devaluing her to the point where she no longer feels any value or self worth. Toss in some thrashings and a serious amount of isolation and you're doing it the proper way.
However, that shit takes an tremendous amount of time and effort. And tremendous amounts of anything (other than blowjobs) is not something I tolerate. Therefore, I've developed a three step foolproof method for breaking any sub. No real effort or thought required.
1. Handjobs only.
Now, this may sound like a sacrifice on your part. However, any Domly Dom worth their salt can get a blowjob from any sub at any time. So, you don't really need your sub for that; just a sub. A mouth is a mouth after all. Your sub, however, will find this to an endless torture. Subs need a cock in their mouth. Them being able to touch your Iron Rod of Doom, but not place their lips upon it will drive them mad.
2. Plain butt-plugs.
The pride and joy of any submissive is their jeweled butt-plug. Take that away from her and she will lose all sense of identity and purpose. Every time she inserts that non-sparkly unholy hole stopper, she will die a little inside.
3. Hide their collar
A subs entire sense of self-worth is directly tied to their collar. Hide that shit. Then berate them for "losing" it. They will spend weeks frantically searching for it and feel like complete shit the entire time. Now, you may have to drug her in order to remove the collar. But this works in your favor, as you can get that one last blowjob out of the way at the same time.
And there you have it. In a matter of weeks your sub should be broken.
In theory, you are supposed to put her back together again. The beauty of this method is that for about $11.00 you can buy a new collar and sparkly butt plug on Amazon. Then you're just a blowjob away from a full recovery.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: The Buttsex
I have a confession to make, dear readers. I have not been completely honest with you. For years now I have been telling you that the most Domly sex act is blowjobs. And, while it is very, very Domly, it is not the Domliest. No, that distinction goes to The Buttsex.
Now, I understand that your entire kinky world view has been shaped by me, and this deception might seem like a breach of the trust and devotion you have given to me. I do apologize for the deception. However there was good reason for it.
I wanted to have all The Buttsex with all the hot subby chicks.
Which, admittedly, might be a bit ambitious. There is travel, schedule coordination, reaching out to the hot subby chicks and informing them that they want to have The Buttsex with me. Then having to break their subby little heart when I have to move onto the next hot chick on the list. Turns out that trying to have The Buttsex with all the hot subby chicks is exhausting.
Plus, it's possible you've heard about The Buttsex from other sources and are thinking of attempting The Buttsex without my expert guidance. Which, as we all know, is a huge mistake. Therefore, in the name of all that is right and good, I have decided to share you with you, my Domly Disciples, the secrets to this sacred act of Unholy Hole Stuffing™.
You may have heard some disturbing terms if you've looked into The Buttsex: "Anal Training", "Lubrication", "Going Slow", "Internal Bleeding", and "Condom". Allow me to put your mind at ease. Most of this "information" is written by brats. They think it's funny to ruin a good time.
Simply follow these three easy steps and you and your not-as-hot-as-my-subs-sub will be on your way to Brown-Eyed Bliss™.
1. The day before you want to have The Buttsex, have you sub stick her thumb up her ass and leave it there all day long. This should properly prepare her for your Massive Marauding Man-dingle and provide hours of amusement for you.
2. Just prior to having The Buttsex, present your Fantastical Phallus and inform her she has 2 minutes to make it as wet and slippery as possible. Not only will you receive the sloppiest of sloppies, but this also gives her time to relax and mentally prepare. Just be sure to help her focus by repeating, "That's gonna be in your ass in a minute.”
3. Go balls deep. Your first thrust should be your greatest thrust. Odds are you won't hold out for too many more, so it's important to make that first one count. Don't worry if there is there is some bleeding, all that spittle will dry up sooner or later and blood makes an excellent natural lubricant.It's also important to remember The Lazy Dom's Golden Rule of Doing Things To Your Sub™: The louder she screams, the better you're doing.
So bang hard and bang fast.
Now you know the secrets to The Buttsex.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom’s Guide to Domming: How To Solicits Nudes From People You Don't Know
Once again, we at The Lazy Dom’s Guide need your help. As we move towards the final stages of punishment, err publishment, we realized we are sorely lacking in the art department. IsMostlyEvil is doing his absolute best to hand illustrate examples for each article.
Hand illustrated page from The Lazy Dom's Guide. 
https://fetlife.com/users/1155974/posts/5245025
However his attempts at cover and chapter title art are sorely lacking.
https://fetlife.com/users/1155974/pictures/74612365
Thus we turn to you, dear readers, in hopes you will answer the call and help make The Lazy Dom’s Guide To Domming as awesome and memorable as it should rightly be.
What we need is for you to write, “The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming” along your naked body in Fuck-Me-Red lipstick and submit that photo to us. You can also post a copy on your own profile to show your love and support for The Lazy Dom’s Guide. Alternatively, you can pick your favorite individual guide and write the subtitle across your breaticles.
Those chosen will receive our undying gratitude as well as the exposure that comes from being credited in a publication with the quality, standards, and integrity of The Lazy Dom’s Guide. As and added bonus, if chosen for the cover we will include your very own copy of The Lazy Dom’s Guide in addition to the aforementioned compensation package.
So, dear readers, if you are a hot chick, or know one, who is a fan of The Lazy Dom’s Guide here is your chance to show your love and help bring to life one of the interwebs greatest authorities on BDSM, Kink, Domming, and Life in General. There is no more noble cause to strip down and deface your body for.
-Sir Winkie: The Sub Splitter, LLC.Publisher of The Lazy Dom’s Guide to Domming
Illegal disclaimer: 1. All photos become potential masturbatory property of Sir Winkie: The Sub Splitter, LLC. 2. “Exposure” as compensation holds no monetary value, nor any real value at all. However, “exposure” is all we can afford. 3. The copy of The Lazy Dom’s Guide going to the winner of the cover art contest may be the only copy printed and distributed. 4. This contest is in no way an elaborate scheme to get hot chicks to send personalized nudes for the boosting of IsMostlyEvil’s ego. 5. Whatever rights we can reserve, we reserve.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Keeping Track of Her Limits
Remember the good ole days of BDSM? Back before all these pseudo kinksters with their 50 Shade of Grey/Top 10 Things A Dom Does lists/subs have all the power bullshit suddenly showed up and ruined everything? Back then being a Dom meant everyone instantly respected you, subs knew how to shut up and just fucking follow orders, consent was assumed, and the only limits you had to worry about were related to how deep you could shove your dick in someones ass before your balls stopped you.
Gods, I miss those days.
Then, after a hard day of beating and fucking whatever tickled our fancy, we would relax in black leather wing-back chairs, drink very Domly drinks served to us by sexy, simpering young women (garbed in french maid uniforms), and light our extra thick cigars off the smoldering remains of the last submissive who dared have an opinion. All the while, still more busty young subs would massage the soles of our feet with their tits.
Alas, those days are long gone now. With how far this lifestyle has strayed from the One True Way, it's getting harder and harder to believe those days were real. Why, I can barely picture the faces of my long lost Domly Brethren. I seem to have misplaced my leather bound signet ring that marked me as part of the Domly Elite. And worst of all, the written and photographic chronicles seem to have all vanished. It almost feels like they were a dream; having never actually existed at all.
But I digress. You aren't here to listen to me wax on about the better times. You are here to learn how to survive these dark ages of BDSM. And one of those things you poor souls have to be worried about are "limits". Not only do you have to ask your submissive if they have any, but you are supposed to remember what they are.
Which requires effort.
Which I am against.
But fear not my Domly Dudeages! I, as always, have the solution to your troubles. And that solution comes in convenient, self-adhesive, easy to use rolls.
Duct-Tape
If a submissive has a limit, such as no fucking her in the ear holes, have her duct-tape over her ears. No anal? She better duct-tape her ass shut. Doesn't like canes? Better be a strip of duct-tape across her ass saying so. Have a non-sexual dynamic (wft is that by the way?), have her duct-tape her legs together.
This method shifts the burden of limit responsibility to the submissive, instead of you. Thus allowing you to not waste valuable brain resources on these trivial matters. All she has to do is wake up every morning and place the duct-tape, and any messages, in the appropriate areas. It's an easy-peasy-lemon-squeezey-pansy-ass-win-win for all parties. The sub feels respected and you can "honor" her limits without actually having to know them.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: How To Give Affection
I know it has been a little while since I've sat down to offer up my Domly Advice of Sage Wisdom and Awesomeness™, and for that I am truly sorry. I know how much you rely on me and need me to help guide you along your path. However, writing these guides takes a lot out of me personally, and since the blowjob offers have been lacking as of late (hint-hint, nudge-nudge), recouping my strength between each installment is taking longer and longer.
However, due to a massive outcry for more Domly Advice of Sage Wisdom and Awesomeness™, I am mustering all of my strength and vast mental capabilities to bring you more of the goodness you all so desperately need.
You're welcome.
In my vast experience, there is one thing that all submissives feel entitled to. And no amount of telling them how wrong they are seems to convince them otherwise. This thing. This vile, vile thing that your submissive will want of you in never ending amounts. This thing that will drain all of your Domly Emotional Resources and ceaselessly siphon your very will to live is called...
Affection.
Bitches love affection.
Just look at the bullshit they write about. Look at all the "Real Doms/Daddies/Masters do this" lists and posts and articles. I'm not talking aftercare here. I've already shown you how to do that. I'm talking about random acts of showing the slut that she is more to you than a set of holes to fill.
Crazy, right?
As we all know, real submissives are little more than sex toys that dress up in costumes and make sammiches. But, I guess times are changing and they won't shut the fuck up about affection. Which requires effort.
Which, as we all know, I am against.
Fear not my Domly Dudeages of Disdain, I, as always, have the solution to your woes.
Here in the Lazy Dom's household we have taken ques from the corporate world and implemented a Friendly, but not Familiar approach to affection. It saves not only time and effort on your part, but is easily incorporated into any set of rules.
"But, MasterDaddySir IsMostlyEvil", I can hear you asking, "how does one show affection in a friendly, but not familiar" fashion?"
Allow me to demonstrate...
1. The Affectionate Fist Bump™.
This is utilized when wanting to show mild affection or give a reassuring "Atta Girl". Can be given in passing or after a blowjob to signify appreciation and affection.
2. The Affectionate Double Fist Bump™
Requires slightly more effort, but demonstrates twice the affection. For use when she is feeling blue or you have bruised the back of her throat with your Domly Dong of Doom.
3. *The Totally Not Condescending Head Pat™”
The ultimate in "friendly, but not familiar" affection dosage devices. This allows you to show her that you really do care about her without ever having to stand up. Simply pat her head three times and tussle her hair a little. Add in a "Awwwwww" while doing it, and watch the tears love and devotion start to well up in her subby little eyes.
It's a s simple as that. All the affection she should need, minimal effort on your part.
You're welcome.

The Lazy Dom's Guide To Domming: Blessed Be Thy Splooge
Being Domly isn't easy. In addition to having to burden of always being right, knowing everything ever, and finding time in your day to allow all the submissives to need to suckle your greatness to, you know, suckle your greatness, you are blessed/cursed with one of the most powerful penis' known to mankind. So it stands to reason that being Me, The Domliest of Domly Ones, is even harder and that my penicular onus is exponentially more weighty.
Add to that my responsibility to teach and guide my countless Domly Disciples in their quest to become the greatest they possibly can be, within a reasonable level of exertion and time commitment, and you start to get a glimpse of the burden I bear. So you, mere mortals, can surely understand that at times, even with the levels of perfection I have obtained, accidents happen.
The problem is that Domly accidents, more commonly referred to as Whoopsies, have consequences far greater in scope than your average mishaps. For example...
Let us say that I slightly miscalculate the timing and escape velocity of my Dom Drink™. For most people this may cause a little discomfort and surprise for the Bearer of The Mouth Hole you're using at the moment. For my chosen cum container it can mean having the back of their head blown off. A slightly overzealous thrust of my Massive Meat Marauder™ can potentially split her in two. And I don't even want to think about what happened the last time I got a bit too excited whilst performing The Stinkie Winkie™.
While the death of a sub isn't that big of a loss, as there are literally millions more out there ready and willing, it's the hassle of dealing with EMT's and the police that really make it a hassle. As with most vanilla peoples, they don't understand the power of The Domly Ding-Dong of Doom™. Therefore, I often find myself having to prove to the hot young first-responder chicks that arrive on the scene why I have to carry a Weapon of Mass Destruction Permit in my underwear. The next thing you know there's a pile of dead, yet completely satisfied, hot young chicks that your service sub has to clean up.
It's totally not worth the hassle.
Luckily for you, dear readers, that you have me to guide you.
Thankfully, you won't have quite the problem I do, but it is still possible you could seriously injure or even kill a submissive while you are, rightfully, mind you, enjoying yourself. If this happens the most important thing to do is follow these simple steps:
1. Remain calm and erect.
2. Keep pumping.
3. Cum on the damaged area.
4. Raise a flogger above your head.
5. Repeat the following words verbatim:
By the power of Greyskull and in the name of all things Domly, I (insert title) (insert name) (insert sub title) and (insert penis nickname), command you to be healed by the gift of my Blessed Splooge, of which I have bestowed upon your unworthy personal personage. Rise and be whole and holely. Rise as a Sanctified Dumpster of cum and other not icky bodily fluids. Rise and be reborn by the glory of My penis.
I command it!
I demand it!
And you are totally not a real sub if you disobey!
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You're welcome for me,
AlphaMasterDaddySir IsMostlyEvil